“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” – Proverbs 11:3
Although there’s quite a bit in Nadia Bolz-Weber’s book Shameless that we wouldn’t agree with, this quote gave us a lot to think about:
In my pastoral work I’ve started to suspect that the more someone was exposed to religious messages about controlling their desires, avoiding sexual thoughts, and not lusting in their hearts, the less likely they are to be integrated physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. I’ve also noticed that the less integrated physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually someone is, the more pornography they tend to consume.
Alongside Nadia there is a growing number of people who believe that the solution to this sort of disintegration is for the church to embrace a new sexual ethic. This new ethic would prioritize mutual consent and concern over the presence of a marital covenant. We would learn to integrate our sexuality by allowing ourselves to act on our desires whenever they come, so long as we were in consenting and concerned relationships (again, regardless of whether or not we were married). The idea is that then no-one would have to compartmentalize their sexual self from their physical, emotional, and spiritual selves—and that then maybe porn would seem less compelling because we had gotten used to more fully realized sexual experiences with real people. This is basically the moral arc of the movie Don Jon.
Even some secular writers have acknowledged that a sexual ethic based entirely around the idea of consent is essentially a house of cards. But part of why Nadia and others are proposing this is as a correction to some of the harmful excesses of “purity culture.” And while we disagree with the proposed “new sexual ethic,” we do agree that there has been a problem.
The problem is that in conversations about sexual desire, we have often implied that desire is something that must be suppressed. This has often led to sexual shame, which has made it difficult even for some married couples to enjoy sex the way God intended it to be enjoyed.
Our task is to help the next generation see that sexuality is a gift from God, and that God is the one who makes others attractive and us attracted. Our goal is not to convince anyone to suppress their sexuality, but rather, to integrate it—to cultivate full-person awareness, and to keep that awareness at the forefront of our minds. So whenever some desire or attraction for someone arises, we ought to be able to think, “Yes, that person is very attractive, and I thank you God that you made him (or her) to be so beautiful,” all the while remembering that whoever this is is not just a body, but they are a human being. They have a story; they have a heart, a soul, and a spirit. They have been made in the image of God.
When we objectify others, we reduce their humanity down to just one part (the physical). Pornography does this, as does hookup culture. Even if a man or woman offers him or herself to us on self-objectifying terms, we aren’t doing anyone any favors by accepting the terms they’ve proposed. Christianity enables us to and insists that we regard them with more dignity than they regard themselves. We do not ignore the physical beauty God gave them, but we always bear in mind that we are not just looking at a body, but a body-heart-soul-spirit being, with a story, who is made in the image of God.
To quote Pope John Paul II, “The problem with porn is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.” In the same way with sex itself, C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity, “The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.”
The framing of all this is that those who indulge in such things are not accessing some higher pleasure. They’re reducing and cheapening the magnificence of the glorious thing that God created to be enjoyed in marriage between a man and woman.
Action Steps
It’s time to have some conversation. Sometime soon, ask your son or daughter a question along these lines:
- “I’ve been reading some about how technology can affect the way people think about relationships and sex, specifically with pornography. Not that I’m accusing you of anything, but I’m curious if you have any thoughts about it. Do you think it affects the way people see each other?” Then as best as you can, ask follow-up questions from a place of curiosity and kindness, not condemnation, and segue into some of the things you’ve learned during this track.
- Another way into the conversation might be, “When your friends talk about girls (or boys), what kinds of things do they say?”
- Another way into the conversation might be, “What do you think is the difference between attraction and lust?”
Prayer
“Father, thank you for creating sex. Thank you that you have not called us to suppress our sexuality, but rather to integrate it. I pray you would help our family to grow in our sexual integrity, and give us the wisdom and clarity to help cultivate this in our kids. In Jesus’ name, amen.”