A Parent’s Guide To Bullying

This guide will help you understand and talk about:

• The modern definitions of “bullying”
• Recognizing signs of bullying
• What bullying means for Gen Z and Gen Alpha
• How to protect teens from bullying

Introduction

We all know the stereotypical bully. He is male, large, intimidating, and unintelligent, just like Moe from Calvin and Hobbes or Biff from Back
to the Future.

Some bullies may have these characteristics, but there is no one-size-fits- all profile for a bully. Social media has democratized bullying—allowing anyone to hide behind a screen and inflict emotional pain on the victims of their choosing.

Let’s go over some quick facts about teens, parents, and bullying.

• 58% of students ages 13-17 in a nationally representative sample reported being bullied online at some point in their lives, and 33% reported being bullied online in the last 30 days (The Cyberbullying Research Center).
• About a third (35%) of U.S. parents with children under 18 say they are extremely or very worried that their children might be bullied at some point. Another 39% are somewhat worried about this (Pew Research Center).
• Fewer than half (46%) of middle and high schoolers who were bullied at school in 2019-2020 said they notified a teacher or another adult if they were getting bullied (Pew Research).

Bullying is a complex issue, which means it does not have one simple solution. It has only gotten more complicated as teens’ social lives have migrated online. Your kids might not have a propensity to bully or be bullied, but even if they are just bystanders, bullying still impacts them.

You need to make bullying a regular, ongoing topic of conversation with your kids so they know how to respond when they experience it or see it—or how to recalibrate if they’re the bullies.

What should I do if my kids say
they’re being bullied?

If you find out that your kids are being bullied, it’s critical that you’re first and foremost empathetic and make sure your children know that you care.

As a parent, it can be incredibly difficult to control your reaction when you hear that your kids are being hurt. You may feel tempted to go right into “protect” mode, which can look like becoming upset or angry and attempting to immediately get justice. It is important to remain calm and gather all the facts first—otherwise, your kid may shut down. Make sure they know you don’t blame them for what’s happening. Kids are often afraid to share because they blame themselves.

Keep in mind that if your children come to you with a story about someone else being bullied, what they’re saying might or might not be genuine. They could present the information to you as though it were about a third party but actually be talking about themselves.

When your kids come to you, the first thing you need to do is determine if they’re either:

• Emotionally stable and frustrated, or
• In crisis, meaning they’re in fight-or-flight mode and could be considering self-harm or suicide.

Students who experience bullying—online and off—are much more likely to have suicidal thoughts and to even attempt suicide. If your kids are in a crisis state, ask if they’ve thought of hurting themselves. If so, ask them why and how they’ve thought about hurting themselves. Your goal is to find out if they’ve progressed to making a plan.

Most kids will not have gotten to the planning stage, but if they do have a plan, you need to get in touch with a psychologist immediately (not the school) and get your kids long-term help. See our Parent Guide to Suicide & Self-Harm Prevention for more information.

Reflection: What relationships do you have in your life that make you feel safe? What is it about those relationships that makes you feel that way?

What is bullying?

Bullying may inflict harm on the victim, including
physical, psychological, social, or educational
harm. Common types of bullying include:

• Physical, such as hitting, kicking, and tripping.
• Verbal, including name-calling and teasing.
• Relational or social, such as spreading rumors and leaving out of the group.
• Digital, such as harassing via social media or text

Here’s how the Centers for Disease Prevention and Controls (CDC) defines bullying: “Unwanted aggressive behavior(s) by another youth or group of youths, who are not siblings or current dating partners.” However, just because kids are rude or aggressive does not mean they’re bullying others.

Bullying usually includes these three factors:

• An observed or perceived power imbalance
• The action(s) occurring over an extended period of time
• Repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.

To be clear about what we’re talking about when we use the term “bullying,” it can include, but is not limited to, the following behavior:

• Name-calling
• Teasing
• Spreading rumors
• Pushing or shoving
• Hitting, slapping, or kicking
• Excluding others
• Threatening
• Stealing belongings
• Sexual comments or gestures

Sexual bullying (bullying that uses sexualization and unsolicited sexual language or focuses on someone’s sexuality and/or gender) is different than sexually predatory behavior. The impetus behind sexual bullying is the same as the one behind other kinds of bullying: to ostracize, isolate, and humiliate the person being bullied. Sexual predators have other motivations and methods, which you can read more about here.

Reflection: As a parent, what has your experience with bullying been? Have you ever been the victim of bullying or seen it happen to someone else?

What’s different about online bullying

Bullying used to just happen at school or practice, but now bullies can follow their targets home. And they have the confidence to say things online they might never say in real life. For example, online, telling someone to “kill yourself” (or KYS) is often said for something trivial like having played poorly in a video game or as an insult via a comment on a social media post.

In 2025, the Cyberbullying Research Center found that 58% of students ages 13-17 in their nationally representative sample reported being bullied online at some point in their lives, and 33% reported being bullied online in the last 30 days, with the most commonly reported forms including:

• Being excluded from a text or group chat (32.5%)
• Mean or hurtful comments posted online (31.6%)
• Being embarrassed or humiliated online (31.3%)
• Having rumors spread online (29.2%)

Bullying today isn’t just getting shoved in the hallway—it’s teens gossiping and lying over text, creating fake accounts and profiles for others, or taking embarrassing photos of people when they don’t expect it and then posting them online, like in the “lunch shaming” trend.

Technology gives us distance from each other, removing us from the consequences of our actions, which makes it easier to be cruel online. And unfortunately, if someone is a target of online bullying, it’s not as simple as transferring schools to escape it. Bullying online allows for greater anonymity and cruelty, as well as extensive victimization, because posts can go viral.

According to the CDC’s latest report on high-risk behavior among youth, nearly one in five (19%) of students were bullied at school and 15.7% of high school students were bullied online. They also found that electronic bullying is much more common for females (21%) than for males (12%).

Reflection: What forms of bullying do you see taking place online? How does that differ between teenagers and adults?

What are the risk factors for being bullied?

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services anti-bullying website, stopbullying.gov, anyone can bully or be a target of bullying: “The power imbalance can come from several sources—popularity, strength cognitive ability—and children who bully may have more than one of these characteristics.”

Here are a few of the possible risk factors for bullying:

• Being perceived as different from one’s peers, such as being overweight or underweight, wearing glasses or different clothing, being new to a school, or being unable to afford what kids consider “cool”
• Being perceived as weak or unable to defend oneself
• Being depressed, anxious, or having low self-esteem
• Being less popular than others or having few friends
• Not getting along well with others, being seen as annoying or provoking, or antagonizing others for attention

Oftentimes, kids who are being bullied won’t ask an adult for help. That means you must be aware of the warning signs that your kids might be being bullied. These include:

• Problems sleeping
• Changes in eating habits
• Loss of possessions
• Injuries they can’t account for
• Decline in academics
• Isolation or loss of friends
• Lowered self-esteem
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Loss of interest in activities they enjoy

With online bullying, look for behaviors that demonstrate that your kids are anxious about their devices. For example, watch for whether they become upset before, while, or after using their devices or if they don’t want to talk to you about their online activity.

Reflection: Who do you know who might be at risk for bullying?

What are risk factors for being a bully?

Kids who bully others might be popular and well-
connected (Mean Girls, anyone?) This is common among girls, according to teacher and researcher Rachel Simmons. In her book, Odd Girl Out, Simmons says that girl bullies are “often likely to be the most socially skilled in a group.”

That means that those who bully others might be popular and well connected, and present as charismatic and caring. Their aggressive underbelly may be hidden from adult view, but obvious to teens.

Kids who bully others also might be isolated and have low self-esteem. They might be aggressive, violent, and/or have problems with authority. Their home life could be difficult or dysfunctional, with minimal parental involvement, and they could have friends who bully others.

The following behaviors are indicators that a child might be bullying others:

• Growing aggression
• Repeatedly in detention or sent to the principal
• Tendency to get into fights (physical or verbal)
• Concern over popularity and what others think about them
• Having money or possessions they can’t account for
• Blame-shifting

Your kids might be bullying others online if they’re particularly protective or controlling about their devices. They might get upset if they can’t use them, hide them from you, or hide their activity when you come around. Other signs include using their devices all the time (even at night), creating multiple online accounts, and not wanting to talk to you about their online activity.

Recognize that children can play multiple roles depending on their circumstances—kids might bully others in one school hall, be bullied in another hall, and be bystanders in another. It’s important to keep this possibility in mind as you address bullying with your children.

Reflection: Have you ever wanted to bully someone? What happened?

How does bullying affect us?

Research shows that people who are bullied as children experience greater mental health problems as adults.

Bullying also has a harmful impact on those doing the bullying. Kids who bully are more likely to be sexually active at an early age, to engage in substance abuse, to be violent and abusive, and to commit crimes. Bystanders who passively watch bullying also have an increased tendency toward mental health problems, substance abuse, and truancy.

Bullying also has a negative impact on parents, according to research out of Australia. 89% of parents who have a child being bullied said that the bullying negatively affects the entire family. Many parents of bullied children experience feelings of anger, guilt, frustration, and helplessness.

Reflection: How have you seen bullying affect people?

How can I help my kids deal with bullying?

It’s important to address bullying from a correct viewpoint of who God is and who people are as fallen beings made in His image. We must not react to aggression out of hate, anger, or vengeance—but we also do not have to submit to abuse. While Be Strong is a secular organization, it approaches the issue of bullying using the following Scripture-based principles:

• All people are fearfully and wonderfully made.
• Treat others better than you want to be treated (modified Golden Rule).
• Love your enemies.

Note that loving your enemies does not mean being a doormat. As Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend emphasize in their book Boundaries, loving people includes confronting their sinful behavior in appropriate ways.

If you stumble across bullying or your children come to you and tell you that bullying is going on, you should:

• Separate the kids involved
• Stay calm and don’t assign blame
• Determine if what happened was actually bullying, according to our definition earlier and the questions listed here
• Get the facts, from multiple sources

If your kids are not in crisis, be on the lookout for how you can empower them to handle their situations without you getting involved. Do intervene if that’s what’s necessary. But if your kids can safely deal with the problem themselves, that’s ideal.

Online Bullying

Encourage your kids not to overreact to minor instances of aggression, and teach them resilience to hostility. Limiting who they have contact with online can go a long way toward reducing the harm they experience from others.

According to teens themselves, the best ways to stop cyberbullying are by blocking the aggressor, ignoring him or her, getting parents involved, taking a break from technology, and reporting abusive behavior to the hosting site or app.

Document any proof of bullying as much as you are able—you will need it if third parties become involved.

We think it’s wise to have a contract for how your kids use their devices—see our “Everything Smartphone” resource for more thoughts on that.

Physical Bullying

Physical bullying is considered assault, meaning it’s a crime and therefore a reportable offense. As soon as you find out about it, you should intervene by contacting the school authorities, the bullying student’s parents, and the police if necessary. Scenarios in which you’ll need to involve the authorities immediately include if there is a weapon involved, physical injury, violent threats, and sexual abuse.

But what about when your kids are caught in the moment with no one to defend them? Should you tell them to fight back?

Christians often bring up Jesus’s statement about “turning the other cheek” to suggest that we should not retaliate against people who are attacking us. Contextually, that verse had more to do with asserting your dignity in non-violent ways than it did with being bullied without reacting. Teens need to understand that they have physical agency and authority to defend themselves and others with force, if necessary.

But even if a case can be made that a physical reaction was warranted and necessary, defeating one bully with a swift kick in the face does not mean another won’t appear in that bully’s place. That means teens need to be prepared to react safely, prudently, and confidently in the moment.

One thing that can stop the cycle of being bullied is physical confidence—feeling that your body is a safe place that you control because you can defend yourself. Even if your teen isn’t necessarily sports-minded (or very coordinated), that doesn’t mean they can’t learn basic self-defense methods that will shut down a bully and prevent physical harm to either party.

Signing up for jiu-jitsu classes, joining a wrestling club, or even simply attending a free self-defense class offered by local law enforcement may be seen as the cliché reaction to getting bullied, but they are cliché for a reason. These strategies work.

The world is a violent place. Jesus calls us not to choose violence—in fact, He sacrificed His entire physical body to prove His point that our sense of human justice is deeply broken, and by doing so, He saved us all.

We don’t have to choose violence to stop violence.

We’re trying to live like Jesus and approach bullying like Jesus would. But we are not, ourselves, Jesus. And Jesus does not call us to be continually assaulted, harassed, harmed, or violated because we are defenseless. He calls us to be ready to defend those who need defending. Sometimes, that includes ourselves.

Verbal Bullying

Get your kids’ opinions on how they think you can best help them. You could talk to their teachers, but this could have negative consequences, like causing the other kids to see your kid as a snitch and a teacher’s pet.

You could contact the other kid’s parents, depending on what you know about them and if you think they’ll respond well. If you can empower your kids to handle it on their own, that is the most effective tactic.

When people participate in verbal bullying, they’re looking for a payoff in the form of an emotional reaction. If kids don’t give them the result they’re looking for, bullies will often eventually quit, although your kids might have to try this strategy multiple times. If someone is verbally bullying your children, your children can:

• Stay calm and not react in sadness, anger, or fear.
• Be reasonable and respond to the bullying kid’s comments without owning them. Do not agree with anything that’s not true.
• Give the bully compliments. This can create dissonance within the bullying child, who will not expect your kids to respond with kindness.
• See if you can get the bullying kid to reveal why he or she is saying those words. For example, if the bully says something like, “You’re ugly” or “No one likes you,” you might stay calm and ask, “Why?” As the bully responds, continue asking, “Why?” Then compliment the bully and immediately walk away.

There are variations on the responses that people can give to a verbal bully. For example, this nine-year-old responded to a bully by saying, “Did you mean to be so rude?” See also this video from Be Strong (starting around 27 min.) for further examples of how to handle a verbal bully.

Social Bullying

Social bullying—such as exclusion, publicly embarrassing others, and spreading rumors—has a lot to do with whether your kids are isolated or have friendships.

If your kids don’t have friends at school, encourage them to get involved in a club and make good connections with people there. Friends have the ability not only to provide inclusion but also to defend each other when other people spread rumors and lies.

Most of the time, social isolation happens during lunchtime. With that in mind, your kids could consider starting a We Dine Together club at their school so that no one ever has to eat alone.

It’s also worth mentioning that teens who identify as gay, trans, or queer are bullied about four times more often than others. All children deserve to be protected from bullying—and sticking up for someone who identifies with some part of the LGBTQ+ initialism is not the same thing as fully endorsing their sexual identity. See this page for other common mistakes to avoid when dealing with bullying.

Reflection: What are different ways you’ve seen bullying play out in your life? What does the Bible and the life of Jesus say about bullying?

What if my kids see bullying happening?

When bullying occurs, bystanders are present 80 percent of the time. StopBullying.gov states, “When bystanders intervene, bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time.” The help of bystanders is crucial because targets of bullying often feel powerless. And when bystanders do nothing, they indirectly encourage the bullying.

Prepare your kids to be “upstanders” instead of bystanders—that is, to take action if they see bullying going on, whether it is online or offline. This could look like defending a target of verbal bullying, finding an adult if someone is being physically bullied, or befriending someone who is being socially bullied.

When it comes to online bullying, bystanders shouldn’t “like” hurtful comments. Anything they say if they choose to address the bullying should be reasonable and calm. Encourage your children to reach out to the targets of the bullying with affirmation and encouragement.

Reflection: How can you help your teens understand what bullying is so they can know when to step in?

Stand Up for the Little Guy

If you don’t already, start to see bullying as a necessary topic to discuss with your kids. It’s just as essential to talk about as academics, partying, or relationships. Use any opportunity that gives you a natural way to bring the topic up, whether it’s a school assembly, something in the news, or a situation in a TV show.

Don’t forget to pray, too. Even when your kids are in the thick of a difficult situation, it can be hard to know what to do, and that is exactly when prayer comes in.

Finding out your kid is involved in bullying in one way or another can be difficult, and you might feel reluctant to address it. But doing so will not only make a huge difference in the lives of the victims (whether they are your kids or someone else’s), but possibly also in the bully’s and the bystanders’ lives.

Reflection: What are ways that you can be, and can encourage your teen to be, kinder
and more empathetic towards those around you?

FAQs

What are the warning signs that my child is being bullied?

Oftentimes, kids who are being bullied won’t ask an adult for help. That means you must be aware of the warning signs that your kids might be being bullied. These include:

• Problems sleeping
• Decline in academics
• Changes in eating habits
• Isolation or loss of friends
• Loss of possessions
• Lowered self-esteem
• Injuries they can’t account for
• Self-destructive behaviors
• Loss of interest in activities they enjoy

If you notice these behaviors in your teen, it’s worth having a conversation with them about their well-being.

Try bringing up their behavior nonjudgmentally, and ask an open question about it, like: I have noticed you haven’t been eating as much recently, can you tell me more about that?

How common is cyberbullying
among teens?

As smartphones and social media have become a core part of adolescent life, bullying online is unfortunately common, with nearly one-in-three teens reporting being bullied online in the last 30 days.

According to the Cyberbullying Research Center, 58% of students ages 13-17 in a nationally representative sample reported being bullied online at some point in their lives, and 33% reported being bullied online in the last 30 days.

What should I do if my child tells me they’re being bullied?

Listen to your child and ask questions to gather more information. It is often a parent’s first impulse to step in and resolve their child’s pain, but it is important to listen and understand the situation first. Sharing about being bullied can be painful for kids. Hearing about your child being bullied can also be a shameful experience as a parent, so notice the emotions that come up for you as your child shares with you.

First and foremost, your child needs a witness to their pain. Your action steps come next.

The advice you give your child will likely stem from your upbringing. That makes understanding your experience with bullying from your childhood important. Did your parents encourage you to fight back or ignore when somebody bullied you or a friend?

Get your kids’ opinions on how they think you can best help them before jumping into reaching out to a school administrator or another adult.

Does loving your enemies mean letting a bully hurt you?

No. Loving your enemies is an important biblical principle, but it does not mean your teen has to endure bullying. Loving your enemy does not mean being passive. Love includes confronting their sinful behavior in appropriate ways—and being prepared to confront bullying with strength.

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