And how you can get involved.
By Abby Perry
Most of us probably aren’t expecting profound, relatable parenting advice about technology when we watch daytime TV. But in a recent clip from The Drew Barrymore Show, the host confessed that she was struggling—and when she explained why, parents everywhere resonated with her words.
Barrymore said that her tween daughters are constantly asking her for their own phones. Despite their begging, and their escalating anger, Barrymore has yet to relent.
“A lot of parents are giving their kids phones at very young ages,” she said. “And it’s just access to everything. It’s really tough. I’m like, very overwhelmed.”
Despite her overwhelm, Barrymore is holding fast.
“It’s amazing to have wanted so badly for my kids to love me and to love their environment and feel safe… None of us want our children to resent us. And we don’t want to be their enemy,” Barrymore says.
“It’s such a hard choice to say, ‘I don’t care if you hate me for this. I don’t care if you’re mad at me for this. I know that I am doing the right thing by you and I accept your anger.’”
For Barrymore’s children and other young people whose parents have said “not yet” to smartphones, that anger tends to be rooted in a sense that they are missing out on what everyone else is doing. And the difficult thing is—they might be. Conversations are had and plans are made via smartphones, especially among younger generations who have been exposed to technology since birth. Research shows that 42% of American children have a phone by age ten, and 91% of American children have a smartphone by age 14.
While most American teenagers have phones, three-quarters of them say that they feel happy or peaceful when they don’t have their phones with them. Even still, most teens do not self-limit their phone or social media usage, which prompts concern among many psychologists, policymakers, and advocates for children. The relationship between young people and their phones is often characterized by traits that indicate addiction—such as a teenager continuing to use a smartphone even when they know they feel better without it.
While peer pressure isn’t typically an advisable place to start for making decisions, a sense of community and togetherness can form a beautiful foundation. That’s why organizations such as Wait Until 8th and the MAMA Movement are encouraging families to unite in a reclamation of childhood—one that revolves around play, relationships, and focus rather than screens.
These organizations, as well as social psychologist Jonathan Haidt, New York columnist-turned-movement leader Lenore Skenazy, and authors Erin Loechner and Hannah Brencher, offer practical steps for families who want to embrace technology on their own terms.
Why limit smartphone usage for children and teens?
It’s important to note that some of the reasons why teens and children enjoy having access to smartphones are positive. Many of them cite access to creative outlets or hobbies as reasons for using their phones, and the internet offers large amounts of educational content. But, Haidt points out, tech companies and social media platforms offer young people a “firehose of addictive content,” which drives them to spend time in isolation, damaging their social skills and reducing their impulse control.
Children and teens aren’t just experiencing damage, they are missing out on what Haidt refers to as “the play-based childhood.” Instead of playing, children and teens are performing their lives online. Instead of relishing their lives—which includes moments of boredom, making mistakes, and acting silly with minimal consequence—they are recording them. While they are developmentally still children, kids and teenagers are using tools that even the most mature adult brains often struggle to manage properly (how many times have you sat down to read a book and scrolled your phone instead?). He relates this phenomenon to an “opportunity cost”—it’s not just about the time that is lost, but what could have been done with it, instead.
A Word of Caution
From improved mental health to strong relationships, the reasons to delay smartphone and social media usage are many. In our fervor to protect our children, though, let us “take heed lest ye fall” (1 Corinthians 10:12). Just like DARE initiatives failed to eradicate addiction and purity culture could not produce a sustainable sexual ethic, steps to change digital safety norms can’t fully redeem teenagers’ hearts and minds.
The desire behind these movements was one of protection and concern for a generation that seemed to be under threat from a dangerous culture. In seeking that protection, however, the movements often became rigid and harsh, becoming a new law rather than encouraging people to live according to love and grace. Even as we make challenging, countercultural decisions regarding technology, may we do so with a spirit of grace.
How can I talk to other families about delaying smartphone and social media usage?
In the spirit of letting kids be kids longer, Brooke Shannon, the founder and executive director of Wait Until 8th, initiated a pledge to encourage her family and others in their community to delay smartphone and social media usage. The pledge is simple and straightforward: “I agree not to give my child a smartphone until at least the end of 8th grade as long as at least 10 families total from my child’s grade and school pledge to do the same,” it reads. Parents or guardians fill out some basic information about themselves, then add their child’s name, grade, and school.
“Our idea was to combat this social norm by flipping the script on peer pressure and using group momentum for good,” explains Shannon. “We designed the pledge with the community in mind.”
How so? First, the Wait Until 8th pledge is organized by school and grade level. Once a grade-level at a specific school hits ten pledges, Shannon explains, the pledge is activated.
“This helps alleviate any type of worry of ‘what if I am the only one who commits to this pledge,” says Shannon. “Since the plan only is activated when ten families from a grade commit, parents can sign without concern about being the only ones.”
The pledge has been activated at more than 58,000 schools thus far, meaning at least ten families at each campus have committed. Shannon and her team regularly hear from parents who say how helpful it is to have community support around their family’s decision to delay smartphones.
“Our top priority is to encourage more parents to delay the smartphone by signing the Wait Until 8th pledge,” Shannon said. “Giving children four more years of a childhood free of a smartphone and social media is one of the most effective ways to help protect our youth’s mental health and provide true connection to family and friends.”
Similarly invested in helping families reclaim childhood, the Mothers Against Media Addiction (MAMA) movement encourages “immediate, coordinated action from parents.” Founded by Julie Scelfo, a former New York Times staff writer, media ecologist, and mother of three, MAMA encourages reduced technology usage in homes, at schools, and in legislation. They offer a technology use manifesto that says, in part:
- In the morning, we wait until after we’ve fully woken up, brushed our teeth, and eaten breakfast before we check our devices.
- We enjoy the outdoors without devices for at least 30 minutes every day.
- When we go out to eat, we color, play games, or talk to pass the time (and learn the value of boredom) instead of using screens.
- We put devices away completely for 24 hours once a month.
- We don’t sign up for social media until high school.
In his book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, Haidt offers practical advice for rolling back the phone-based childhood and restoring the play-based childhood. His four basic recommendations include:
- No smartphones before high school.
- No social media before 16.
- Phone-free schools.
- More independence, free play, and responsibility in the world.
Haidt’s website offers a parent action guide, an email template for initiating this discussion with other parents, and a sample text message for getting the group chat on the same page.
Starting such a conversation can be as simple as saying, texting, or emailing something like:
Have you seen all the data and research coming out about kids and smartphones? I’ve been thinking a lot about it, especially when it comes to the ways smartphones and social media seem to be affecting mental health. It seems like delaying smartphones until high school and keeping kids off social media until 16 can be really beneficial for them. What do you think?
In addition to restricting or delaying smartphone usage, Haidt, the MAMA Movement, and Wait Until 8th place a high priority on what to do instead. In that spirit, parents might consider how they can model rich, phone-free community life as part of their regular routines.
This might look like:
- Inviting a few families to the park for a picnic and outdoor games.
- Having people over for dinner and encouraging everyone to put their phone in a basket for the evening.
- Facilitating a group outing to an artistic or cultural community event then enjoying a meal or dessert together to discuss the shared experience.
Delaying technology usage is, undoubtedly, a radical choice in our current moment. But it doesn’t have to be a lonely one. By intentionally building relationships and enjoying our communities, families can cultivate the connection and fulfillment that smartphones so often promise while so rarely delivering.
Abby Perry is a contributing writer at Common Good magazine. Her work has appeared in publications such as Christianity Today, Sojourners, and Texas Monthly. She lives just outside of Dallas with her husband and two sons.